Wednesday, November 30, 2011

28 before 28

I am someone they would call 'the saboteur of the self'. With every plan I make, I pretty much set myself up for failure. Of late, this syndrome has become so bad that I only make plans regarding things that I know I'll fail in. The key to achieving this is to set your standards so high with regards to your challenge that you will feel good while you are planning it, and when you end up not completing the challenge, you won't feel as bad because your challenge was too difficult to begin with.

For instance, in July, I planned to run the Mumbai half marathon (42 kilometers) and I went ahead and bought these jogging shoes. Of course, from the word go, I guess I knew that I would never end up doing it but I had deluded myself into thinking that I would, until about now. Reality just bit me and it hurts!

But this is not such a list. I AM gonna do these 28 things before I turn 28 on August 17th 2012.

 Here is the list.

1. Colour my hair auburn

I have had bright red highlights a zillion times and now I want a whole head of red. :)

2. Buy a bicycle

3. Finish cooking through half or more of a cookbook of my choice


4. Save!
Penultimate Goal: A trip to the mountains to learn yoga at Agama.
Ultimate Goal: Become a millionaire.

5. Get a dog

Thom has agreed to buy me a puppy for my 28th birthday after we move into a house with a balcony. You guys will help me put salt in his pudding if he doesn't live up to his word, right?

6. Visit Ajanta and Ellora Caves, Nasik, Hyderabad and Gujarat.

7. Clean the house from top to bottom, front to back and right to left, twice or thrice a week.

8. Get a job

9. Make some kind of headway in anger management

 10. Cook and serve a gourmet 5 course meal for at least 4

11. Finish furnishing and setting up the entire house. Get an organic and intelligent system of functioning around the house, up and running.

12. Buy, clean and cook an entire fish (I hate fish. I am petrified of fish. I have never touched an uncooked fish and have hardly eaten cooked fish. Hence, I really have no idea what to do with fish!)

13. Get a lot, lot, lot better at photography and Photoshop. Take at least one photography class somewhere.

14. Get another tattoo

So far, I am a cute little princess. I plan to be a prisoner before I turn 28. Can't wait!

15. Get Thom to not make fun of me for an entire week. If I have to behave perfectly to achieve this, I will. Watch out!

16. Dance at a public place (I never dance. Ever. Not good for my fragile self esteem. Of course, #15 and #16 cannot happen at the same time. Thom calls attempts of mine to shake a leg, the 'Duck Dance'!!! Any 'like' I have for him is despite his sense of humour.)

17. Get my father to come and stay with me in Bombay.

18. Finish at least one 30 day photo challenge.

In the same vein, I want to fulfill all the claims I make on this blog. If that involves me not making any grand and fleeting promises, so be it. It's a punishment that I truly deserve!

19. Meet somebody I can say this to.

20. Buy one nice thing for the house every month. Buy only things that I absolutely want AND need.

21. Lose 15 kilograms of weight from all the right places.
Of course, this is a staple at all my resolution / to do lists. My secret fantasy is to be underweight so that I can eat my way to being the ideal weight for my height. Ain't I devious?

22. Learn how to make 10 new jams, one for each month

23. Grow a plant to be used for cooking

24. Buy the PS3 or the XBox 360 with Kinect.

25. Read a lot, lot more. Finish reading at least 75% of the books I have in my cupboard. Also, encourage Thom and everyone else I know, to read.

26. Be nicer to the people I like and simultaneously, reduce interaction with the people I don't like, especially badly behaved, rude, arrogant people who are also dumb.

27. Bring back to life the big toe on my left foot that has been dead since the day I got married. Dead, you hear me? As dead as a dodo that's been hit in the head by Frodo on his way to Mordor. Dead!

28. Try and be true to myself in this silly little world.

Note: Most of the images are from Anne Taintor. Those that are not can be found on Pinterest

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Surviving India - Vol. 3 - Chicken Soup (Song) for the Soul

Since all that every Indian seems to be talking about these days is this ridiculously catchy song called 'Why this kolaveri di?', I thought that I should join the bandwagon and post it here.

Please listen to it and rest assured that you are well on your path to addiction, and eventually, enlightenment, because I've been told that addiction always ends in enlightenment.

And for your information, kolaveri means 'murderous rage'. And if you're wondering, like I did, why he calls his song 'Soup Song', I can quell your curiosity with the explanation that my Tamil speaking (that's the language this song is in) lover boy gave me. You see, 'soup' is someone who is not 'super'. 'Super' is the superlative of 'soup' and curiously, also the opposite. So this non super, flop song is a soup song, awrite? Awrite.

Of course, he made that bull up, but I thought I should share it with you 'coz it cracked me up and made me snort out all of the soup I was drinking. 

No more soup for me for many reasons!!!

It is kinda poetic, I think, that I am posting this song right after my rant on bad grammar. This is bad Indian English at its best, just the way it is spoken, replete with spunk and verve. Go figure!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sincerely, Me

Call me a snob if  you will, but one of the things that disturb and irritate me to no end is bad written English. Bad spoken English is bad enough, but over the years, I have heard it so much that I have pretty much learnt to tune it out.

"Let me know when should I add the onions." Relevant words strung together does not a sentence make. 

"My hairs are dirty. I need to wash them." Really? Your hairs are dirty? As a collective? 

But you can have this conversation only so many times before you start ignoring the wrong usage of the word or stop talking to the person who repeatedly commits these sacrilegious acts (which is what I did, and I highly recommend this course of action).

Another oft committed error that annoys the bejeesus out of me is the interchanged usage of 'wedding' and 'marriage'.

Last week, someone asked me, "So, I heard that your marriage is over.", and I burst out laughing. I know that they meant 'wedding', and not marriage, but the usage is hilarious because it means something entirely different.

A lot of wedding invitations invite you to attend the marriage, rather than the wedding.

Really, Mrs. The Queen? Did you really invite1800 people to be a spectator of William's and Kate's marriage for as long as they both shall live? Or did you mean wedding?

Of course, when I pointed this to my mother, she only laughed at me and asked me when I had grown so much as to think that I could correct the Queen's English! And that confused me. Is the usage of the word 'marriage' as a substitute for 'wedding' acceptable now?

But like I said, bad spoken English DOES NOT bother me. Or at least, I am trying to let it not bother me. And you can see the progress I have made in this regard. However, bad written English is unpardonable. UNPARDONABLE.

So recently, I bought my hundredth cookbook and in about ten minutes of reading it, parts of my insides started to wither and die.

Let me elucidate with examples.

"This can be eaten in itself." Do you mean, "by itself"?

"One of my favourite drinks moments is in Goa, during breakfast after an early morning swim at a shack." You swam at the shack? In the sand? Amidst the tables and chairs? That's ingenious! Teach me also!!!!

These jewels appear in the first 2 pages and set up a great context for me to view her book. From then on, I wasn't reading her recipes, but trying to find grammatical errors in them, which I did to my heart's content, because they were a dime a dozen.

And I have two questions.

Firstly, don't books in India get edited by anyone before they get  published these days?

Secondly, if I write a book and I promise to use better English, can I get it published by the same people? Will it also become a best seller like these awful books are? I really feel that for once in my life, I have been absolutely inspired by mediocrity! And it does not feel good!

p.s. If there are any grammatical  errors in this post, I lay the blame on Murphy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth

Lazy + Sucker for the idiot box = You end up watching a television show that you hate (for instance, The Simpsons) just because you cannot be bothered to lift your fingers and change the channel.

Lazy + Irresponsible = The electricity connection to your house has been disconnected because you neither paid the bill nor the fine for non payment and you chose to ignore every communication sent to you regarding this. And no, this is not because you didn't have the money  for it.

Lazy + Slob = You stub your cigarettes on doormats, clothes lying on the floor, apple cores that you have eaten and left behind, empty coffee mugs, a ball of lint or anything else that is lying on / around your bed just because you can't be bothered to get up.

Lazy + Fool = The fire alarm doesnt cause you to run out because you know that even in the worst case scenario, you know that you've still got about 5 minutes of snooze time.

Lazy + Ingenious = You unfailingly set the alarm for 15 minutes earlier because you know you need to snooze it at least 3 times and ease into the process of waking up.

Lazy + Unabashed = Your new house has no curtains up because that would require you to climb up on top of a stool and put up the curtains in a neat manner.

Lazy + Hypochondriacal  = You end up staying in bed for 15 days because you have a debilitating back ache followed by a queer looking toe nail infection followed by a strange sort of malaise that could only be diagnosed by the likes of a certain misanthropic doctor whose name I will not utter because I talk about  him way too much, but I will say that his name rhymes with 'Mouse'.

Lazy + Loser = The pizza delivery guy knows your likes, wants, needs and your schedule.

Lazy + Practical = You don't believe in making beds because they will be 'unmade' again the same night when you sleep on it again. You also don't believe in closing cupboard doors because if you close them, they will need to be opened again. That's two actions wasted.

Lazy +  Coward - You take a leave of absence from your blog just 'coz you've been too lazy to take pictures for the thirty day photo challenge you embarked on and you don't want to admit to that. (Wink wink)

As much as this list might sound autobiographical, I  will have you know that only 8 of the above 10 are true. So, this is more a commentary on the nature of humanity, rather than a treatise on myself.

Nevertheless, I am sorry if you have been a recipient of my slothful behaviour and the next time you're in town, I promise to not be lazy and whip up a plate of fondants for your pleasure .

Have a great day. :)


Dizzy Lizzie