Sunday, June 26, 2011

Off to see the wizard

The next time I write here, I will possibly be in another country. (How awesome is technology huh? One day I'm here and the next day I'm there.)

I'm going to Doha, Qatar, to spend a month with my darling father.

This is the Middle East, and the tiny speck that the arrow points to, is Doha. 

And now I want to tell you some funny things about Qatar, you know, because its always useful to know these things, especially when you want to distract angry spouses, parents, employers or kidnappers with mind-numbingly random trivia.


Oh wait... there is none. Doha is possibly even more uneventful and non happening than Trivandrum, Kerala. 

Such is life but I'm super duper excited though, to say the least.

And I will of course give you updates on the good lookin' Arab men I meet and all the food I eat with them. ;) 

Over and out. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Catch 22

This has fascinated the bejeesus out of me! 

Can you imagine that you can do this workout and burn off a piece of apple crumble in the time that it took for you to read this, or eat the apple crumble in the first place. (Assuming that it is true of course!) 

As you probably know by now, I love quick fixes and band-aid solutions and easier ways out. They lend all the purpose and meaning there is to my life. 

My life would be a problem mountain followed by a hurdle mole hill followed by a setback snake pit if it weren't for short cut problem solvers. It's manna for the lazy soul, really. 

Here is a video of the workout. 

Of course, the irony of this workout (and of my life) is that to do the exercises required in minutes, I will probably have to do months of hour long workouts and increase my stamina, because right now, I stand at 10 jumping jacks followed by huffing and puffing like the Magic Dragon. Not pretty.

So it's really a Catch 22 situation.


Maybe not, but kinda for sure.


These are a few of my favourite songs

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dreams of AC / DC


I want this! Ever since I saw this, I have been wholly convinced that the only thing that is standing between me and absolute awesomeness is this Retro Vespa. 

I belong on this scooter - I can feel it in my viscera.

And I plan to call my Italian bombshell Amora Carlotta Delilah Contessa (AC/DC for short). Ain't she pretty?

This is me right before I get on the scooter. 


I am blonde in photographs. Did I forget to mention that? 

So I hop onto the scooter and scoot along to the house of Bernard Arnault of Christian Dior where he greets me with air kisses, gives me a 5 course lunch and then makes me the owner of this dress. 


Yummy, right? That's what I told my dear friend Bernard. 

Then I go buy myself a bunny rabbit so that I'll have someone to share my carrots with, and then retire to my home in the wilderness. 

This is my little picnic spot outside my home. Alice, The Mad Hatter, the children of Captain Von Trapp and I often have lavender tea, crumpets and Eton Mess here together. 

And now, as Julie Andrews says in The Sound of Music, 'The children of Captain Von Trapp wish to say good night to you.'

Why I wish someone would do a Case Study on me


1. I think that I am my most beautiful when I have a face pack on. It's almost as if I can perceive a transformation and feel a new beauty creeping up on the inside. (Inside of the mask, I mean. On my skin.) That is why sometimes when I wash the mask off I get genuinely shocked that nothing has changed. But as you can see, hope is really all that defines my life.

2. I am a compulsive imperfectionist and I have mastered this art to perfection. (Oxymoron?) I can't handle neatness or perfection. Everything needs to bear an insignia of quirkiness. Psychoanalyze me!

3. If you gave me a choice between
a. listening to the audio while watching a movie and
b. reading the subtitles with the audio muted while watching the movie,
I would anyday choose the latter. There are so many movies that I have entirely read and watched, rather than listened and watched. I would like to think that this is because of my superiorly wise and enlightened soul that prefers silence and stillness over sound, music and chatter. Or am I just stranger than fiction?

4. I don't like it when things, pleasant or unpleasant, end. I miss toothaches when they go. I stay up every night till 5:00 AM because I want to continue staying up and sleep till 1:00 PM because I want to continue sleeping. I never like leaving home, even though I love travelling more than anything in the world, and after I leave, I never want to get back. Some days I eat around 6 mangoes and nothing else, while other days are of 2 liters of coffee and some change.When I drink water, I drink about 2 liters in one shot and then dont drink water for 6 hours until I feel bone-curlingly thirsty. I enjoy starvation as much as I do indulgence. I can play a song 25 times on repeat and still want more. If I start a book, I have to finish it as quickly as humanely possible and then I go through periods of no contact with literature. I hate change but I am also the most impulsive, reckless, pleasure seeking person I know. How is this possible? It can't just be my laziness acting up, can it? Or am I just an overgrown child? In either case, I can't do mediocrity or balance.

5. Usually when I drink Port, I get so marveled and enamored by the taste of it that I go into a deeply meditative state of existence, much akin to what the hallowed psychologist Abraham Maslow called 'Peak Experience'. (In these moments, I also feel elegant and classy and very very Audrey Hepburnish.) I swirl the wine around in my mouth and feel every driblet and smidgen of the taste intrinsic to it. I invariably forget to breathe, choke on the wine, and shockingly uncharacteristic of my gracefulness, let out a huge spray that always accompanies coughing, and splatter wine all over myself. This is the reason that I have preciously few clothes that are untainted.  (I feel inclined to tell you at this juncture that I wear impeccable clothes when I do my wine tasting sessions. I need this ritual to feel elegant because I am subconsciously aware that I need all the help I can get to achieve this end.)

6. There is a mattress that incongruously lies in the living room in front of the TV. (He is here because I threw him out of my room due to his infidelity and my mother refuses to take him in and share her bed with yet another mattress.) Yesterday, I woke up from my sleep with an insatiable lust for mangoes, and while tiptoeing to the kitchen in the dark to mollify my yearning for this forbidden fruit, I tripped on the mattress and fell straight onto it as if I was prostrating on it. It was one of those defining moments in my life. (If you must know, it was defined by unabashed humour, an impeccable sense of comic timing and the holy presence of God. How else does one trip and fall flat onto a mattress?) You could even say that this was another 'Peak Experience'.

7. 3 out of 4 times when try to I drink something out of a bottle, I knock my front teeth with the bottle accidentally as I bring the bottle towards my mouth. As a result, my two front teeth are loose and have been threatening to fall off for years. Is this an illustration of my seriously compromised hand - eye coordination or is this normal? Are you like this too?

If you must know, I took the Greeks very seriously when I heard that they had carved 'Know Thyself' onto the walls of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, as a message to peers and posterity. That is the only reason why I need to know how high / low my strangeness rating is.

And now, in the same vein, I leave you with this.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The problem with pop culture

This is a conversation that I had with my friend yesterday.

You all know this friend of mine very very well. And for this explicit reason, he / she shall remain unnamed.

Me: Hey, have you seen the movie version of Romeo and Juliet? It is such a beautiful story.

John / Jane Doe: Which one? The Jet Li movie?

Me: What? No!!!!

John / Jane Doe: Oh, right! That's Romeo Must Die. What did you say?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Eat cake and be married

If you were to ask me what the single most important thing at a wedding is, I would definitely say 'The Wedding Cake'. While my girlfriends fantasized about the most beautiful church or a stunning reception arena or a handsome groom, I fantasized about the perfect cake - a gorgeous 3 tiered masterpiece that tasted as good as it looked. And the best part of my fantasy was that I would eat the whole thing by myself... you know, other than that one piece that has to be shared with your groom.

Half of one layer would be Chocolate Hazelnut (like Nutella), the other half would be Chocolate Peanut Butter (like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups), another layer would be Banoffe Pie (banana + toffee) and the third would be Cinnamon Raisin from Hardees. And the icing would be butter cream but it would magically look and be as pliant as fondant.

Come to me my love!

As for how my beloved cake would look, these are a few ideas.

This is a Ron Ben Israel Cake


This is a Ron Ben Israel Cake


This is a Ron Ben Israel Cake




And then there are my three favourite cakes.

This is a Ron Ben Israel Cake

This is Ron Ben Israel with his creation

And that is how I first fell in love with ruffles. 

And then I saw these cakes. 

These are all Maggie Austin Cakes and that is when I decided that I wanted two cakes - a stunningly beautiful and perfect cake by Ron Ben Israel and a chic and adorable one by Maggie Austin. And then I did a little waltz to 'I could have danced all night' from My Fair Lady and 2 people saw me and fainted. 

But then it dawned on me that I live in India and that I neither know Israel and Austin nor do I know anyone here who can bake cakes like these. So I fasted and prayed to Jude the Apostle - Patron Saint of Lost Causes for a wedding miracle and then searched far and wide for the name of a brilliant confectioner in India who can make me a showstopper of a cake. 

That is when I came across Call me cupcake

Now look at the work Linda has done.

Doesn't look any different from the Maggie Austin cake now, does it? (Too bad Linda lives a gazillion miles away in Sweden, though.)

But here she even teaches you how to make ruffled icing the way Maggie Austin does. Ain't she a doll? 

Now I just need to find someone with an oven, some sugar and an internet connection. James Bond has agreed to come hold a gun to his/her head so that I can force him/her to make me a Linda - Maggie Austin cake. Feasible enough, considering the circumstances.

L'Oreal says that I'm worth it and I'm inclined to believe them in most cases.