Sunday, April 17, 2011

Bed Time Tales

I've been looking at beds of late because the one I have in my room currently is growing mould from the legs and mushrooms from the base and my parents are convinced that it might be inappropriate for when I come and visit after I get married! (My parents sure are fore thinking, but not that I am complaining about getting new things!)

These are what I came across when I hunted obsessively today for it. If you don't know this, I have gone so deep into the Internet thing that now I go through periods when I act like the Internet is the real world. This condition is what leads me to scour the net for beds rather than get up and go to a furniture shop. I believe that a cure is just around the corner and it might involve stone and knives and fire. But here goes anyways.


To be fair, I am partial to this bed only because the Good King Francis-I gave me a similar one for my parlour way back in the 16th century when I was Eleanor of Austria and blissfully wedded to him. We used to play Scrabble sitting on that bed. And that is how I trained him to be 'The Father and Restorer of Letters'. That bed served us very very well in retrospect.


This is the bed I intend to use when I'm feeling lazy and want to treat myself to breakfast in bed. I'll just prod the bottoms of the birds in the nest above and I imagine that they will just drop down an egg or two for me to feed on. It's the least they can do, considering that I'm letting them rest in my nest.

 This is the bed for when Thom has forgotten to wash the dishes. Or when Thom has forgotten to walk the dog. Or when Thom works too much too long and spends no time with the dog. Or when he goes drinking with the boys and comes back without pizza for the dog. Or when I need someone to bring me breakfast in bed and I have forgotten to sleep on the nest bed. I can push him into the water and that should wake him right up.

That is me sleeping on the bed, by the way. Yes, I am that beautiful. And y'all know my number! Call me.

A big, sturdy, manly looking, low lying bed. You should have gotten the drift by now!

 I want to be a child again. I want to sleep on that bed on my tummy wearing that pretty pink outfit. I want to sleep all day and scream all night. AND I WANT THAT BED!!!


The explicit reason that my room resembles a pigsty is thus: I do not have a bed that lets me place things neatly on the headboard. I therefore only have the floor at my mercy. When things rest on the floor, they have a tendency to stagnate. Therefore, buy this bed before your room reaches the irreparable, irredeemable, godforsaken state that mine has. 

Would you just look at this antique looking bed? It looks like something that little Jean Paul Sartre would sleep in. Now you know why I am everything that Sartre is not? (And That's no insult to Sartre. Sartre is awesome. Sartre can kick anybody's booty!) Yes, it's because I didn't have this bed as a child!

This image appeals to my sense of practical living for the reason that in all probability, my bed will look exactly like this. Unmade, you might say, but this is what I call homey and lived in. But as I have written here, I do not believe in repairing things that will be broken in a matter of hours. To me, it is no different from going to a priest and confessing, and then stealing a car on the way back home. Its a yo yo diet of sin, confession, regret and redemption that I wish to abstain from in my life. 

Oh man! I have gotten so deep in these existential theories and other such deep philosophical thoughts in this conversation that I have digressed so greatly! But my point is really only this. Since my bed is likely to look like this rather than any of the lustworthy beds in the other images, I feel inclined to forget about the beds and covet these gorgeous lace curtains instead. Classy and stunning and very very low maintenance. So pretty in fact that I bet no one will even notice the bed. Two birds. One stone. Both down.

I gotta admit. What drew me to this bed is the paraphernalia that adorns it and gives it a whole new dimension. The ghost chair that rests quietly beside the bed and Jesus' thorn headgear-like contraption above it are classic! Who wouldn't want to sleep in such a room on such a bed if it came with these pi├Ęces de r├ęsistance!

Just tear out the pages of your books and stick it up on the walls. Not that I am not against vandalism and the destruction of books, which I absolutely am. But this right here, it's a part of the future I tell you. Hands free technology started from the concept pictured above and that's where it will end.

This is what I am going to do with my white wedding outfit - Chop it up and sleep under it.

And after carefully considering all the above mentioned options and a few others to boot, I have had to conclude that I desperately need three beds, which are these. They all have their specific purpose and function in space and time.

The first is for when I cohabit with fairies and elfins and gnomes and I want something that will be uplifting, spiritual and heaven bound.

The second is when I want to go into altered states of consciousness and start channeling Christ, Mother Mary, St. Jude and the likes. 

The third is when I wish to be taken by surprise and get beckoned into the sea to laugh with mermaids and cavort with mermans. The bed is my raft and the canopy is my sail. 

These three things much cover all that I do in my day, so I'm all set now. 

p.s. I thought long and hard about a title for this post. I feel deeply compelled to tell you that the other options that I had were 'Wed to Bed' and 'Bedding for Wedding', which lost out only because rhymes are corny, and corny is not me. Corny is definitely not me.

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